101 Awful Funny Quotes to Make You Laugh

Laughter is often said to be the best medicine. And what better way to tickle your funny bone than with a collection of hilariously awful quotes? Here’s a list of 101 quotes that are sure to bring a smile to your face:

• “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright
• “I have nothing to declare except my genius.” – Oscar Wilde upon arriving at U.S. customs 1882
• “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” – Les Dawson
• “The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.” – Fred Allen
• “I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” – Arthur C. Clarke
• “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&M’s and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” – Dave Barry
• “I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde
• “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
• “Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.” – Spike Milligan
• “I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney Brown
• “My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea
• “Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.” – Sam Levenson
• “The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
• “All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott
• “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
• “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin
• “I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.” – W.C. Fields
• “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Anonymous
• “Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.” – Luis Bunuel
• “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott (Steve Carell), “The Office”
• “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis
• “I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.” – Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), “The Big Bang Theory”
• “I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
• “I’m not lazy. I’m just on my energy saving mode.” – Anonymous
• “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams
• “I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts with: ‘I heard from this guy who told somebody…'” – Demetri Martin
• “I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.” – Stephen Fry
• “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” – Rodney Dangerfield
• “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.” – Anonymous
• “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres
• “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A.A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)
• “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
• “It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.” – Anonymous
• “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin
• “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” – Steven Wright
• “I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.” – Anonymous
• “I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.” – Steven Wright
• “I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.” – Anonymous
• “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright
• “I drink to make other people more interesting.” – Ernest Hemingway
• “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Cooper
• “I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx
• “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
• “I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Chandler Bing (Matthew Perry), “Friends”
• “A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.” – Mark Twain
• “Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” – Phyllis Diller
• “Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” – Mark Twain
• “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.” – Jack Handey
• “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” – Fred Allen
• “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde
• “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” – Stewart Francis
• “I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney Brown
• “A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” – Don Marquis
• “The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
• “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” – Steven Wright
• “If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.” – Laurence J. Peter
• “I used to be indecisive but now I am not so sure.” – Tommy Cooper
• “My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea
• “I’m not arguing, I’m simply explaining why I’m right.” – Anonymous
• “I’m not addicted to reading. I can quit as soon as I finish one more chapter.” – Anonymous
• “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” – Miles Kington
• “I am not lazy, I am on energy saving mode.” – Anonymous
• “If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti
• “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams
• “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott (Steve Carell), “The Office”
• “The best way to lie is to tell the truth… carefully edited truth.” – Anonymous
• “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
• “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers
• “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” – Winston Churchill
• “I drink to make other people more interesting.” – Ernest Hemingway
• “I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Chandler Bing (Matthew Perry), “Friends”
• “Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.” – Laurell K. Hamilton
• “I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.” – Mitch Hedberg
• “By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” – Charles Wadsworth
• “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” – Rodney Dangerfield
• “A clean house is a sign of a wasted life.” – Anonymous
• “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.” – Billy Sunday
• “I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.” – Tommy Cooper
• “Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers
• “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama
• “I’m not running away from hard work, I’m too lazy to run.” – Anonymous
• “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” – Terry Pratchett
• “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” – Mark Twain
• “I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.” – Anonymous
• “I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.” – Anonymous
• “It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen
• “If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.” – Steven Wright
• “I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
• “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard
• “My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.” – Anonymous
• “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” – Cathy Guisewite
• “I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney Brown
• “If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.” – Derek Bok
• “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” – Rose (Betty White), “The Golden Girls”
• “You’re only as good as your last haircut.” – Fran Lebowitz
• “I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Chandler Bing (Matthew Perry), “Friends”
• “If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.” – Henny Youngman
• “I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts with: ‘I heard from this guy who told somebody…'” – Demetri Martin
• “When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.” – George Burns
• “I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” – David Lee Roth
• “I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.” – Anonymous

And there you have it, 101 Awful Funny Quotes to tickle your funny bone and brighten your day. Remember, laughter is the best medicine, so dose up and share the joy!